He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
