So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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