Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
