so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
