I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
