Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
