My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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