I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's blow job season.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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