Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
