my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dick very happy bro
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
