; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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