please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
