Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
