was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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