my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
