I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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