As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
