Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
