No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Randomize
