I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
