I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
