On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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