If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
