I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The beer is more important than you right now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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