Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
