I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
