i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
