got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
