I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I intend to get homeless drunk
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
