I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
