I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize