I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
