Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
