how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
