i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
