I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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