If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
