Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize