Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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