It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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