my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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