They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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