She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
