Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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