how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The power of my boobs compel you
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
