went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
