Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
