I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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