dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Randomize
