I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
