Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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