Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
