Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize