trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He passed out mid-signature
God, you're like boner-b-gone
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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