I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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