My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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