Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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