did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
