Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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