I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
