??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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