If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
