You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Houston, we have a blender
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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