3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
