I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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